Tired

Am I the only one who feels exhausted? No motivation. No initiative. Not just physically tired, but emotionally and mentally drained too. I have tons of things I should be doing.
I should be working out
I should be doing my taxes
I should be cooking dinner
I should be practicing my songs
I should be washing the dishes
I should be getting my outfit ready for work tomorrow
I should be calling the bank
Why is it so hard to find motivation to do things that I need to do? Heck sometimes it's hard to do the things I want! I can't afford to waste time. It took a lot for me to get to where I am right now. I don't want to have come this far and then it all be for nothing. I have a list of things I want to accomplish. Forget New Year's resolutions. A "year" seems like a broad span of time (and a short span of time simultaneously). I have This Month, This Week, This Night resolutions.
I think it's natural to feel burnt out and drained, but I can't allow myself to remain stagnant and dwell in this exhaustion.
I need a nap. Can I gather all of those nap times I refused to take in Kindergarten and redeem them now?
I need to go to the beach
I need to travel to London, Thailand, Brazil, Everywhere
I need to listen to Chopin and Beethoven
I need to watch Singin in the Rain
I need to read Peter Pan. again.
I need to tap dance
I need to sing some Whitney Houston
I need to remind myself of the things that made me feel like my most natural self. Remind myself of that time I was in my element and flowed no matter the obstacles around me.
I need some inspiration.
Maybe I need to inspire?

Hey Girl,

"Why? WHY?! W H Y?!?!?!?!" I whimper with frustration after waking up, whilst kicking the bed covers off of me.
*sigh* Even in my dreams I'm awkward.
..........................................................................................................................

I am in a fancy shmancy restaurant in Manhattan (party of one), but the place is full and there are no more tables available so I have to be seated at a table with a stranger. I feel nervous and awkward having to sit at a table with someone I don't know, so I just fidget with my phone and read a book without looking or talking to the other person throughout the course of the entire meal.
While I'm minding my own business reading my book, someone throws a paper ball at me. How rude! I look up, trying to find the person responsible for disturbing my awkward solitude.
Lo and behold, it's Ryan Gosling! The stranger at my table that I've been avoiding all evening is R y a n freaking G o s l i n g.

Ryan looks at me with an adorable smirk on his face and says, "What? So we haven't seen each other in a year, you don't talk to me anymore and we don't kiss no more, but you still can't say hey to me?" He continues laughing and teasing me by pretending to read an imaginary book in his hands.
I am absolutely M O R T I F I E D!!!! I slide down out of my chair and under the table in an attempt to hide my embarrassment.
"I can't believe he caught me being so awkward and vulnerable! This whole time, I could've been talking with Ryan Gosling! He knows how much I hate being out by myself and talking with people I don't know!"
Ryan peaks under the table, still wearing that adorable I-see-you-but-you-don't-see-me smirk. "Why don't you go to the restroom and pull yourself together, sweety?"
.............................................................................................................
Okay okay I get it! Message received! Lesson learned! Stop being a timid mouse and make more eye contact and conversation when I'm out and about in social situations. If not, I might miss out on meeting Ryan Gosling, or some other hot guy, or making new friends. Or Ryan Gosling.

***Disclaimer*** Although I am aware that Ryan Gosling is an attractive fellow, I am not one of those fangirls that swoons over him. So I'm still puzzled as to why he was in my dream. I don't know, maybe too much Pinterest? Of course not.

Only in the Movies...

I was strolling along with a friend in the city on a rainy night and we decided to eat at Chipotle (yum). One of the employees at the restaurant said they were closing, but we were trying to convince him to let us order (don't mess with two hungry girls craving Mexican food). I mean, the food was still hot, people were still eating in the restaurant and we promised not to give a complicated order. So he finally let us order and we all continued being silly and cracking jokes about it.

While we were eating, a man came up to me and said "Excuse me, my name is _______ and  I'm looking for a strong, female voice to do a voice over for a video."

*side eye*

Yeah right.

I was like "Is this a joke? Do you have a business card?"

"No, I don't have one on me. I can show you the video..."

**pulls out phone, shows me a segment of the video**

I'm still not convinced. He doesn't even have a business card. He looks professional, though. And clean cut. Let me look in his eyes to see if they are dilating because if they are he's lying...

"So why are you asking me to do a voice over? How do you even know if I have a good voice for recording?"

"I heard you talking to your friend and ordering at the register."

"Ohhhh, you were eavesdropping"

*this dude is a freaking stalker*

"Well I'm looking for someone with a strong, confident voice to record for this video. Tomorrow from 10:30-11:30 we're renting a studio for the recording. If you give me your phone number and e-mail address I can send you the video and the address of the studio."

*Still not fully convinced. But I give Mr. Sir my contact info*

"Look, I don't do porn so you better not send me anything crazy or I will find you and I will kill you"

**Mr. Sir laughs**

"Okay, so I won't kill you, but you'll wish I did!"

"When I get back to my apartment, I'll send you the info. The rate for the recording is $. Are you interested?"

"I'll take a look at my schedule and I'll email you my final decision."

*This guy is putting on a good act. He deserves an Oscar*

**Mr. Sir exits, while my friend and I discuss what just happened**

I still think this guy is a phony. Who goes to Chipotle at 12:00 midnight looking for someone to do a voice-over for a video the next morning?! This stuff only happens in movies, not in real life. My mind was already set to decline this "offer". So I send him an email saying no can do.

Oh wait. My friend puts her excellent online detective skills to work and finds info about Mr. Sir! Turns out he's not a phony. He's an actual producer at a film company in NY. And look, he really did send me the video for the voice over with the script! This would be fantastic to put on my resume! I could network and meet people in the business!

 Oh dang. I already sent that email declining the job. It's okay, I'll call him in the morning and see if the offer still stands.

**7:00am. I call his cell. He doesn't answer**

*Oh, well. I'll just go back to sleep*

**9:00am. My phone rings. It's Mr. Sir!**

We talk and try to arrange a time for me to come to the studio. Unfortunately, I'm in Jersey and can't make it to the studio in time because of the commute. Sad face. So our schedules didn't work out so I wasn't able to do the recording, BUT Mr. Sir still has my contact info and I told him that in the future I would be interested in doing any other voice overs that he needed.

Am I kicking myself in the stomach for not accepting the job right there on the spot in Chipotle? Kinda, but not really. I was really skeptical about him and the whole situation was shady. Will he ever get back in contact with me? Possibly. Anything could happen. I left a strong impression on him. How can you forget that sassy, spunky girl with the charming voice you met in Chipotle on a rainy night?

This city is something else...

The Pursuit of Happiness- Part IV: New Beginnings

It doesn't matter how tired and busy you are, if something really matters, you'll find a way to get it done. I continued praying and asking God to help me to calm the heck down and focus on completing the application and to prepare for the interview. In order to stay focused I had to shut off from the cyber world and say good-bye to my friends for a little while (I have amazing friends who are so supportive and understanding!). To wrap this story up, after a loooooooong week of waiting to hear back from the school, I was accepted into the program!

 I QUIT MY JOB AND I'M STUDYING AT AN ELITE MUSICAL THEATRE CONSERVATORY IN NEW YORK. The End.

Not really. This is only the beginning. As of now, I will be in NYC for a few months, but anything could happen. There are going to be a lot of opportunities coming through this program.

Am I excited? YES! Am I nervous? Of course. Am I scared? Not as scared as I am to miss out on making my dream a reality. Do I have a 7-step 10-year plan? Other than go where God leads me, nope.

This has truly been orchestrated by God, I take absolutely no credit for it.

Looking back over the past 2 years and wondering why I went through certain things, I believe it was God purposely making me uncomfortable where I was so that I would get off my butt and take a leap of faith and prove that I really trust Him. I've learned (and still in the process, of course) to persevere, to seek God even when things look ugly, and that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. I've learned the importance of not settling for a life less than the one I want, even if that means taking a huge risk and others think I'm crazy. I've learned that it's okay to know what I DON'T want to do even if I haven't fully realized what it is that I DO want to do.

 I'm so thankful for my supportive family and friends who are constantly encouraging me. If my dream was to be a circus clown, they'd buy me a red nose and unicycle.

I hope my story encourages you not to settle for less than your best and to seek God for His direction in your life. We ALL have a purpose.

Along the way, I've come across a lot of stories that inspired me to take a chance. Enjoy!

WENDY WILLIAMS (how you doin'?)

CHANTEL RILEY

CARRIE HOPE FLETCHER

The Pursuit of Happiness- Part III: James Earl Jones

I got to a point where I was so depressed and fed up that I decided THAT'S IT! THIS IS MY LAST YEAR TEACHING AND I BETTER FIGURE OUT WHAT MY NEXT MOVE IS BEFORE THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. The truth is, I already knew what I wanted to do. I was just too scared to pursue it. I was afraid of failing and being rejected. I felt like I wasn't good enough to do what I really had a passion for. I felt like it wasn't in the cards for me. I kept lying to myself and trying to convince myself that what I was doing was fine. I was tired of feeling like I was on a conveyor belt heading in a direction I didn't want to go. I was disgusted with myself for settling for a life I didn't want. When you're miserable and desperate enough, you'll do whatever it takes to find a way out of the misery. I was constantly praying to God to guide me and tell me what to do and show me my purpose. I guess I was expecting it to be like that scene from the Lion King when Mufasa appeared  in the clouds with a big booming James Earl Jones voice giving Simba revelation of who he is. That didn't happen for me. It went more like this:

I came across CAP21 in advertisement on Facebook. I'd never heard of this school so I clicked the link and saw that it was a musical theatre conservatory where Lady Gaga and Anne Hathaway and some other stars went. Then I visited the school's website and even subscribed to them on YouTube. I was drawn to this school for a reason.... Remember, I don't believe in coincidences! I felt that God was leading me to apply for the Summer Professional Training Program. I was apprehensive because I thought I wouldn't be accepted. I decided "God, if this is Your will, then I'll be accepted. If not, You have something else up Your sleeve." The application process was time consuming for me because I was still teaching (and being a teacher is a 24 hour job!). At one point, I almost decided to not apply because I just felt overwhelmed with everything.

The Pursuit of Happiness- Part II: The Beginning

This has been a shock to a lot of people (including myself). I'm looking at myself right now and wondering "Who are you, how did you get here, and where are you going?!" The funny thing is I've been asking myself this repeatedly since I graduated from college with a Music Education degree in 2010. My God, I was a wreck after graduation. I felt completely L O S T and didn't know what I wanted to do. I told myself  "You have a year to figure it out. In the meantime, put your degree to use and get a J-O-B."
After a few months of substitute teaching, I got a job as a full-time middle school choral director.
A job doing music! With benefits! But I don't have a deep desire to make teaching a career. I have a job using my degree at a time when so many graduates are having a hard time job hunting! I can teach, but it's not my thing. What a blessing! I don't know about this. Praise God for this opportunity! <---- this was my thought process, folks.
The first year that I taught was--ahem-- quite an experience! It was challenging, frustrating, exhausting and stressful. But I gave it my all and persevered and was glad to see the results of my hard work in my students. I still hadn't figured out what I wanted to do, so my one year transition turned into two years. Year One of teaching was down, surely Year Two would be smoother.
It wasn't.
I'm not going into details, but things went from challenging to insane. I was  [L E S] M I S E R A B L E [S] and questioning God "Why am I going through this?! This is NOT the life I thought I would be living!"
Things were so bad it began taking a toll on my physical health, emotions, and mental well-being.
And quitting was never an option for me. Like I said earlier, I believe in doing your best where you are. Sometimes you can't choose your circumstances, only how you handle them. For example, if my job was scraping bird poop off the sidewalk then I should be the best sidewalk-scraper I can be, but in the meantime look for another opportunity! Don't settle for something you have no desire to do!

The Pursuit of Happiness- Part I

So........ here I am. Writing a blog. On the interwebs. I've kept a journal since I was 11 years old, but this still feels odd to me. I guess it's because I'm writing down my thoughts and I know someone is bound to read them. In a sense, I'm putting myself out there for people to see. Weeeiiiird!!!! Don't get me wrong, I have a Facebook, so I'm socially connected in the cyber world, but I'm not one to rant in a status about my life. Good Lord, that's what a journal is for! And I like my privacy.
You're probably wondering why the heck I'm starting a blog if I like my privacy and keeping to myself. Well, I've been going through a lot of changes lately and I think it's time to share what's going on. Some AMAZING things have happened and instead of hiding it under a bush, I'm gonna share it. And I need to step out of my comfort zone, which is keeping things to myself.
Consider this first entry an introduction about me and my journey. Here goes!

*I believe in living life with a purpose on purpose
*I believe in seeking God for direction as to where He would have you to go
*I believe in cultivating the God-given talents you were born with
*I believe that your God-given talents and calling will make room for you and provide for you
*I believe that your God-given talents should be used to bring glory to God and to encourage others as well
*I believe in working hard and working smart
*I believe in doing the best with what you have and where you are
*I believe in divine opportunities, not coincidences and happenstances
*I believe that life is a gift and you have until your last breath to make it amazing

That little credo will help make the rest of my story make more sense to you.Where to start in the story... ah yes! Let's start at the end, that's always fun.



 I QUIT MY JOB AND I'M STUDYING AT AN ELITE MUSICAL THEATRE CONSERVATORY IN NEW YORK.